Relationship: One-Sided Relationship - Aidy Thomas

 

Relationship as a word often involves the participation of more than one person in a bond. The fact that you agreed to identify with someone as your partner speaks of your need or desire to share life with them.

When sharing is rare, scarce or nonexistent, relationship is termed ‘one-sided. Most people who have found themselves in this terrible situation sometimes do not understand why and how they got there but truth is that, there had been too much giving from one end while the other just keeps taking without reciprocating. There is a limit to which this menace can thrive after which there is a loud cry for help or split but if the feeder does not stop, the circle will continue.

Showing so much care towards your spouse while your need is continually swept under the carpets will leave you exploded some day at the least provocation- when no one possibly expected. Yes when you are truly in love, there is a desire to please and serve your partner; a reasonable and mature lover will know that your expectations is to be loved in return but when it does not materialise, the hurt can be terribly deep.

Before you complain and grudge that your spouse is selfish and does not care about how you feel in the relationship, take some time to examine if you are the cause of the problem in any way. Out of desperation, people tend to adore their partners unnecessarily and focus all their attention on them. Making someone feel as the source of your life is a pitiful attempt that gives unrestricted powers to your mate- this is usually the first point of love abuse.

Ella was crumbling under the shackles of one-sided relationship until she choose to find help; she says – “I met my husband during my elder brother’s graduation party. He was well dressed like a gentleman and sat quietly, watching the different aspects of the event unfold and occasionally, would beam with satisfaction at the display of excellent dance steps. Wondering who he really was that never got up to interact or mingle with others. I walked up to him and introduced myself, offered a glass of wine and started a conversation.

The following week, he asked for a date; I was excited and completely swept off my size 5 tiny feet. It seemed like the best thing that had ever happened to me. We went for dinner in a restaurant and at the end, I pulled my purse when the waiter came around and settled the bill. He smiled and said I should have let him pay. As we got married later, it was obvious my man derived pleasure in waiting for me to fix up everything and if I refused, nothing will be done at the end- I hate to be messed up so I would just do it to avoid problems.

Several years down the line, there was no real improvement or change but I was also buried in defence of how I needed to protect my relationship despite all odds but the bitter truth remained that I was never happy. Could it be that my hubby thought He was doing me a favour by proposing love? I’m not sure but he made me to keep thinking living together was not really worth the trouble.”

How to know if you are in a one-sided relationship…

Excessive demand: When your relationship places so much demand on you and things seem to wait until done by you, ask yourself where the other partner is and what they’re doing about the situation. This could range from bills payment to emotional support and almost everything you can possibly imagine.

Monosyllabic responses: When people are around folks they appreciate; there are tendencies they want to talk some more but when your spouse puts you in a tight situation of being the only one to speak or start a conversation most times, warning signs are flagging.

Benefit: Do you know most chaps have nothing called love for the people they are relating intimately? Their main attraction is the benefit they can derive by hanging out with such fellows. A lady who agrees to marry a popular footballer but refuses to bear him children believes she has gotten ‘that name’ that will sell her to the whole world. If a man marries a model and settles for the privileges her status provide, showing commitment in that relationship might be a great challenge.

Careless talking: Making derogatory comments is one sign you should never miss when trying to find out if your spouse has any iota of respect for you. Respect as it were is not only limited to how he/she treats you but their value for your family should be heard in their voice tone.

Sharing: If you are the only one carrying  the whole burden of the family, there is a problem of balance and when this happens, complaint naturally sets in.

Loneliness: It amazing how people who are married or in a serious relationship will consider themselves ‘lonely’. When your spouse is not loving equally or participating in the union as expected, there are tendencies you’ll be lonesome.

Hang outs: There is absolutely nothing wrong with you having friends and spending time with them but when you enjoy the company of outsiders more than the one you are in intimate relationship with, there is a possibility that all is not well.

Unnecessary demands: Relationships should be a give and take affair where you surrender what you’ve got to receive what you need. It’s not a written law but people are comfortable with partners who do not only expect to be given at all times.

Lack of appreciation: If you unfortunately find yourself in a one-sided relationship, everything you do will be taken for granted and as your responsibility, thus no ‘thank you’ or words of appreciation.

Getting out of the vicious circle of one-sided relationship will involve a thorough self assessment and openness where you are able to tell yourself if you are in that relationship for love or greed. The earlier you are able to define your role or contribution to your downfall, the easier it will be for you to make a decision to correct your steps and live a fulfilled life.